Homesick...

...more so everyday

Do you ever remember being little and going somewhere new or different? It started out maybe fun, maybe even relaxing (for as much as a child can understand relaxation). Then one day someone wasn't kind to you. Maybe they said a cross word or made fun of you. Maybe nothing was said at all but you just felt out of place. Lonely.

Then it was night; you were getting ready for bed and this horrible sadness would come over you. You wanted to be big and not let on like anything was wrong but ...the tightness in your chest would get so heavy it would creep into your throat. Your throat would be so tight you felt you couldn't whisper or even breathe. You fought the tears but then the tears would come slowly....eventually giving way to sobs. Through shaken attempts at communicating, what few words would manage to choke out, you wanted to go...home..."I.... wanna...go.....home..." I can hear it even now as I feel the tightness creeping from my chest into my throat, the hot tears burning my eyes.

People all in a hurry, cursing at you, tailgating you, scowling, glaring, just being hateful. Condemning, condescending, you don't measure up.
Why? What is the big hurry? Where is the love? the compassion? the forgiveness? the charity? the smiles?
Why does everyone expect YOU to be the one to carry the ball in the relationship? How much time really would pass before THEY took the initiative to call, to drop by, to say "I'm sorry", "I care", "I've been there, you'll make it."

When I would cry to go home it was because I felt a degree of love and safety there. My bed, my bathroom, my mom's food. It was familiar. There is nothing familiar here anymore. Nothing.
I so long to crawl into my Abba's lap and just let Him hold me. Love me without any hidden expectations. Love me without being mad at me for not saying the right thing at the right moment, or doing the right thing at the perfect opportunity. No hateful people in a big hurry for no apparent reason, no one mad at me for no tangible reason, no sickness, no disease, no lack of money to pay the bills, no tragedies, or wars.

Warm. Safe. Loved. Home.

All I have ever desired is to be a servant of the King and in the end to hear Him say well done. The longer I tarry here the less I feel I may hear that. Some days I think He will laugh and say, "You're in... barely."
But in my heart I know that is not true because He really loves me.
In spite of my shortcomings.


Even when I fail to speak.

Even when I fail to act.

Even if I fail to perform because I am tired.

Even if I fail... period.

One evening the presence of the Lord was drawing me....wooing me. I went outside and as I was walking and praying....I stopped to lean against a tree. I looked down at the ground, with a heavy heart and tears blurring my eyes, longing to be with the Lord. I was in a wooded area and there were violets all around my feet. As I looked down at them the Lord brought something to mind.


When our girls were little, my husband and I would take them down south hiking. It was a family thing. One day for some reason I did not go. I cannot recall why but he took them alone. When they came home, my oldest daughter had found a rock that she wanted to bring home to me. It was a lovely heart shaped rock, somewhat heavy, but she carried it out of the valley with great determination.


That one rock has turned into several more over the years that have been discovered on our little nature walks.

God made. Not man made.

Then about a month ago, my husband and I were riding through our field and I noticed there were several different vines, plants and trees that had heart shaped leaves and I pondered this with no real thought or conclusions.

As I stood there leaning against that tree the Lord caused everything around me to fade away except all of those little heart shaped violet leaves.

"What do you think of when you see a heart?" He asked.

"Well, I think of valentines. Love."

"Yes, you got it! Just look around you. I have placed my own little love letters scattered around for you to see and be reminded that I love you."

Wow. I was speechless. My heart felt wrapped in peace.

Warm. Safe. Loved.

But not yet Home.

Until then I must cling to the little reminders He has scattered across my path.
Look around you. They are everywhere.

He whispers it across the sky with every gentle breeze.

He has shaped it into leaves.

He has carved it in stone.

"I love you. No matter what. Unconditionally."