I realize it has been a while since I have posted. So much has been going on.
Right now I cannot even begin to think of what I might really want to say.
My heart is aching with so much tragedy, grief and pain for those I love.
One of my close friends lost a 46 year old brother today to a massive coronary.
My youngest daughter's best friend(who is like one of my own) just called to say that one of her other little friends was in a vehicle with her grandpa and her younger sister, a 3rd grader and a 5th grader. They slid on the ice and hit a train. No one survived.
Another dear friend of mine lost a close friend/father figure to a heart attack just a week or two ago. This same friend has experienced a very young family member taking his own life just before Christmas.
I have spent the weekend trying to sort out the emotions of being with my mom's husband when he lost two digits on his left hand to a table saw. Even though we found them and got them to the hospital, they were not able to save them.
I really did not intend to say much about the latter incident but it is a very big part of the grief and heart ache I am experiencing.
I cannot begin to understand the ways of the Lord. But I still trust Him.
I want to be strong. But I feel so weak. So helpless.
I know God can heal. But sometimes He is silent.
I must continue to believe that He will ultimately work all things together for our good because I know I love Him and I am called according to His purpose.
I have held back the tears because I knew if I let the first one fall I may not be able to stop.
Apparently this is the night for the tears. My heart just crumbled after that last phone call. I have two nieces that very age. I cannot fathom losing them.
My prayers go out to the families of those who are no longer with us on this earth.
The only thing I can share that I feel God whispered to my heart in all of this mess this weekend is this:
On Saturday morning I went outside at Mom's. (I had stayed all night with her because I simply did not want her to be alone.)
After the accident snow had begun to fall. We opted to wait for daylight to begin our journey to the hospital. Anyway...as I went outside and saw all of the beautiful new fallen snow, I looked over the carport area and saw the trail of blood that led from the scene of the accident all the way to where my vehicle had been parked. I realized that the wet snow was going to make it easier to clean up the mess. I had been concerned about that earlier. I picked up a broom and began to sweep the snow away. Some of the blood had soaked into the snow as if it were a sponge. As I looked at the messy dirty trail of blood and the pristine snow that began to wash it away, I felt the Lord say to me, "Though your sins be as scarlet I will wash them whiter than snow."
I have always known that scripture but it came to life for me right there and then. It was always sort of hard to imagine how something red and dirty could be cleaned by something white, but I saw it before my very eyes and I was humbled. I feel so inadequate most days. I feel as if I have failed. There are times I lay in bed at night and I think to myself, "how can you love me God? I am such a rotten lousy sinner. You couldn't possibly forgive all I have done and continue to do."
But I believe that very brief moment was a special word for me that said, "Look how dirty this mess is. Blood, dirt, wet sawdust, mingled together makes a mess. Yet the pure white splendor of snow washed it all away. A gust of wind came along and within minutes it was all covered over again with sparkling white. Though my sins were as scarlet they have been washed whiter than snow!
