random thoughts

I realize it has been a while since I have posted. So much has been going on.
Right now I cannot even begin to think of what I might really want to say.
My heart is aching with so much tragedy, grief and pain for those I love.

One of my close friends lost a 46 year old brother today to a massive coronary.

My youngest daughter's best friend(who is like one of my own) just called to say that one of her other little friends was in a vehicle with her grandpa and her younger sister, a 3rd grader and a 5th grader. They slid on the ice and hit a train. No one survived.

Another dear friend of mine lost a close friend/father figure to a heart attack just a week or two ago. This same friend has experienced a very young family member taking his own life just before Christmas.

I have spent the weekend trying to sort out the emotions of being with my mom's husband when he lost two digits on his left hand to a table saw. Even though we found them and got them to the hospital, they were not able to save them.

I really did not intend to say much about the latter incident but it is a very big part of the grief and heart ache I am experiencing.

I cannot begin to understand the ways of the Lord. But I still trust Him.

I want to be strong. But I feel so weak. So helpless.

I know God can heal. But sometimes He is silent.

I must continue to believe that He will ultimately work all things together for our good because I know I love Him and I am called according to His purpose.

I have held back the tears because I knew if I let the first one fall I may not be able to stop.

Apparently this is the night for the tears. My heart just crumbled after that last phone call. I have two nieces that very age. I cannot fathom losing them.
My prayers go out to the families of those who are no longer with us on this earth.

The only thing I can share that I feel God whispered to my heart in all of this mess this weekend is this:
On Saturday morning I went outside at Mom's. (I had stayed all night with her because I simply did not want her to be alone.)
After the accident snow had begun to fall. We opted to wait for daylight to begin our journey to the hospital. Anyway...as I went outside and saw all of the beautiful new fallen snow, I looked over the carport area and saw the trail of blood that led from the scene of the accident all the way to where my vehicle had been parked. I realized that the wet snow was going to make it easier to clean up the mess. I had been concerned about that earlier. I picked up a broom and began to sweep the snow away. Some of the blood had soaked into the snow as if it were a sponge. As I looked at the messy dirty trail of blood and the pristine snow that began to wash it away, I felt the Lord say to me, "Though your sins be as scarlet I will wash them whiter than snow."

I have always known that scripture but it came to life for me right there and then. It was always sort of hard to imagine how something red and dirty could be cleaned by something white, but I saw it before my very eyes and I was humbled. I feel so inadequate most days. I feel as if I have failed. There are times I lay in bed at night and I think to myself, "how can you love me God? I am such a rotten lousy sinner. You couldn't possibly forgive all I have done and continue to do."
But I believe that very brief moment was a special word for me that said, "Look how dirty this mess is. Blood, dirt, wet sawdust, mingled together makes a mess. Yet the pure white splendor of snow washed it all away. A gust of wind came along and within minutes it was all covered over again with sparkling white. Though my sins were as scarlet they have been washed whiter than snow!

Fact, fiction or opinion?

Every man has a right to his opinion, but no man has a right to be wrong in his facts. - Bernard Baruch

I have been challenged a lot lately to define what I believe and why I believe it. This issue has come before me now on several occasions and I find myself wanting to really know the answer(s).
Many of us are products of our environment and how we were raised; what our parents said or did.
Many believe to be fact everything we were taught in public school.
Sadly, there are many who even believe to be fact anything taught from a pulpit or a Sunday school podium.
None of the above cited sources are always factual. Much of the teaching on all issues has been tainted by opinions over the years.
I am beginning to understand more and more why the Bible tells us to work out our own salvation with fear and trembling. Not to be afraid but with a reverent fear.
Know your source.
Know your facts.
Fiction has its place and I enjoy it at times.
Opinion...well you know the saying...everyone has one!
I have been so guilty at times for jumping on a band wagon or a soap box without all the facts in place; a humbling experience to say the least when you realize, "I think I may have missed it!" Ouch.
We have a friend whom we have affectionately dubbed the "Grammar Nazi". This person hates the misuse of words. I totally understand that although I have been guilty myself of butchering the English language on occasion.
What I have come to realize even more so is how important it is that not only do we use the words properly, in the right context but that the message be properly conveyed and the facts be in place. Big words are of no use if they are only a platform to make one think we know what we are talking about when in reality we have not checked the facts.
Much of science is not fact based either, by the way, yet another blog....

Someone shared with me how some people of varied ethnic backgrounds ( I am not fond of the word "races" but that is a different blog too!)have the tendency to feel trodden upon due to the fact that certain historical people are portrayed as "white" or "black" or whatever....

I decided I wanted to know more so I dug in.
I found that Santa Claus has European origins so he is not entirely wrong to be portrayed as "white". Although I believe no skin color is "white". If they are truly white they are probably dead...I digress once more~
I found that the pharaohs of Egypt were of Macedonian decent and were not truly Egyptian therefore, they were most likely olive skinned.
I found that Cleopatra was the last Pharaoh to rule! and she was not beautiful the way she has been portrayed in movies. She had quite the soap opera life. Who knew! I didn't.
Jesus? Most likely olive skinned as well. I realize many portraits show him to be "white" but they are only ideas. No one really knows what he looked like. We all have ideas based on what the Bible says but no one knows for certain.
The bottom line is we need to have a quest and a hunger for truth.
I believe that all truth is rooted in the Word of God. Written by men but inspired by God.
No one can be pulled down by someone else unless they allow it to happen.
We all have skeletons in our closets.
We all have had hardships to overcome.
We, here in America, have been given amazing opportunities to achieve. It is merely a matter of choices.
I want to make positive choices.
I will make mistakes.
I will be sidetracked again, I am sure, for I am human.
But I plan to be more consistent in being informed before I accuse, blame, or whine.
Before I sit down and quit.
Before I open mouth and eat toe jam...again...
:0)

new life, new year, new hope,

Isn't it amazing how new life can make so many things around us seem new?
New Year...
isn't it just another day?
but for some reason psychologically we believe it is an opportunity to wipe out past wrongs, worries, habits,
and embrace a whole new chance for a clean slate,
a fresh start.

My friend, Carrie, just gave birth today to her and Patrick's second son, Grant.

"I love these little people, and it is not a slight thing when they who are so fresh from God, love us." - Charles Dickens' Old Curiosity Shop

What an awesome way to view a baby...
"they who are so fresh from God..."

Little Grant is so tiny and pink and flawless.
So fresh from God.
A breath of fresh air in a world of staleness.
A glimpse of hope that God has not given up on us just yet.
A reminder that His grace can cover a multitude of sin...
flaws...
imperfections.

new hope...
new life...
a new year.

Thank God

I just helped pack my little girls belongings in the trunk of a car....again... She just left with her friend, Nathan, to head back to Mississippi when she just returned from there only 1 week ago today. Her heart is truly bent on helping those in need. It was hard work but she feels useless just sitting here when the phone isn't ringing with job offers. Nathan just got home tonight on Christmas break from college. They could be going out to the movies or playing Catan with their friends. They even had a "friends" Christmas party planned this week. We all look forward to those! Yet they have chosen to pass on that to go do more relief work. I think it is pretty amazing that they want to spend a week of their break doing volunteer work. Yes, it will be a fun time on the road. Yes, they will have one day free of their duties to sight see. Something about visiting New Orleans and laying on the beach were mentioned but who knows what will actually come to pass once they get there. I am proud of them. Perfect? No way! Good kids? Absolutely. Pray for them. Pray for safe travel and the opportunity to minister while there. I love the song that says, "If but a cup of water, I place within your hand. Then just a cup of water is all that I demand." Jesus expects us to give from our hearts. A kind word. An encouraging word. A helping hand. A hot meal. Pray for those who are still in FEMA trailers uncertain of when or if they will get a new/repaired home. Pray for those who are living on the streets because they have no FEMA trailer and no where to go. Thank God for what we have. Hug your children. Tell your spouse how much they mean to you. Hug your mom or your dad or both if you are fortunate enough to still have them. Tell them you love them. Even if they are not perfect. When the washing machine hose leaks, thank God for the machine. (not that I'd know about that!) When the wind blows half the shingles off your roof and you have to get a new one put on. Thank God for insurance that will pay part of it. Thank God the house is still standing; that it was only shingles you lost. (not that I'd know about that this year either!) When you get a bad haircut and it is much shorter than you intended, thank God you have a healthy head of hair to mess with. I see more and more women without hair due to cancer. I don't know about that one personally but I have a dear and close friend who does. Christmas is upon us. Many people get all stressed out trying to do too much. I have been asked several times if I am stressing or if I am "done" or "ready". I am never sure how to answer because I am always "ready" to celebrate the gift of Love sent to us in human form to redeem us. I am never really "done" trying to give to those I love. I am not stressing at all. I have not for several years now. I take it in stride. I have ideas. I have plans. I have hopes. But I am realistic. I do not worry if they all come to pass. I do what I can each day but I make certain that I spend much time with my family. We have been watching movies, playing games, singing Christmas songs and laughing when we can. Thank God for my family. I am truly blessed.

of cabbages and Kings

..."the time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things;
Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax -
Of cabbages - and kings-
And why the sea is boiling hot -
And whether pigs have wings."
from "The Walrus and the Carpenter" by Lewis Carroll

Sometimes....

This life seems to have its own idiosyncrasies.
Sometimes it seems pointless and meaningless.
Other times it is overflowing with wisdom and Epiphanies.
And then there are times when its just simple, funny, and a little quirky.

At times I think God has an amazing sense of humor. A way of putting the larger than life stuff into perspective to keep our perspective from getting too far out of alignment.

A year or so ago, I misplaced my debit card. That sounded more "responsible" than the plain simple truth that I lost it. Period. I searched every inch of this house. I searched the waste can (yuck) to no avail. I finally gave up and resigned myself to the fact that I had probably tossed it in the trash unknowingly and prayed it did not end up in the hands of an unscrupulous soul. After several months I forgot about it.

My motto for some time now has been to simplify. I have been trying to simplify in my material possessions, in my thought life, in my expectations, in all areas of my life. It has been an eye opener to really step back and evaluate where I am and where I have been. I have never really been one for extravagance although I do appreciate some nicer things. Our little town is somewhat known for the "big fish in a big pond" mentality when I had it pointed out to me that those who believe that of themselves are not even big fish in a little pond. I totally agree but I digress. Sorry. This town is really guilty of buying into the mentality of labels and brand names. Designer clothes. Expensive or trendy cars. The latest brand of bling. You name it. I find it rather ridiculous.
It is not the stuff that makes the person. What's in the heart defines the measure of a man or woman, whichever the case may be.

The point... well in the same week I had two good laughs. God knew I needed a laugh because of the heartache that has been so much a part of our lives recently.
The temperatures had dropped in the 20's and teens. I had been looking everywhere for my winter coat. I seldom wore it because I have had a tendency towards being hot natured in past years. My coat has a zip out liner which was hanging in my closet but the coat was missing. One day I had gone to the shed looking for a tool or something and I happened to notice my coat hanging on the coat rack out there. Now this is my "good" coat, hanging in the shed with the work coats and hunting clothes. No idea why or how...but I took it off the hook. It was rather dirty. Cobwebs. Not something I wanted to just throw on and wear. I tossed it in the washing machine without a thought. Well some hours later, Natalie came in where I was reading and said, "Did you say you lost your debit card?"
"yes, a long time ago. why?"
"Well, I found this in the washing machine." She was holding up a debit card. Now in a split second all of this ran through my mind.
" well it can't be mine. We have a new machine since I lost mine. How could it get in there? Must be Katie's. Wait a minute!" and the light went off in my head and hers at the exact same time we looked at each and burst out laughing...
"the COAT"!!!
Good grief. My card had been in my coat pocket all this time. I never dreamed....

That same week we received a gift in the mail. A fairly large box from Arbonne. Unbeknownst to us when you reach RVP in Arbonne you apparently get a Christmas gift from them. Cool. We opened the box which revealed yet another box with a lovely fabric bow.
This box said "Tiffany and Co."
wow! I never thought I'd see the day I would own anything from Tiffany's.
We pull out this heavy box, open it to find a lovely crystal champagne cooler.
We laughed! OK. We live in southern Illinois. This lovely item would be commonly known to most folks here as a fancy ice bucket. I don't believe I have ever bought a bottle of champagne. Beer is more to our liking. Well as we contemplated what we might do with such an extravagant item we called a couple of the other gals who received one to see what they had in mind! Of course ALL of us had the first thought of, "cool! Must be worth some money! Sell it!!!"
then we thought, "no, when would we ever own a Tiffany crystal bucket...excuse me, champagne cooler."
One dear friend thought she might get a gold fish to put in hers, one thought some lovely Christmas ornaments would set it off nicely, I thought if it weren't so heavy I could take it out to the hen house to gather the eggs!
After amusing ourselves with ideas I decided perhaps I should put it in my china cabinet for safe keeping. I opened the door and had to make room. I looked for a moment and decided on a spot.
I gently moved my $2.00 Wal-mart bowl and placed it beside my $5.00 Dollar General cake plate.
It looked right at home.

beginnings and endings....

Beginnings...
Blogging is all new to me but I really want to give it a try...
some days I feel I have little to say but lately I have felt a passionate stirring deep inside that I cannot really explain. I have felt the winds of change blowing in my life for several months now and I do not know where they are taking me but I am trying to be still and listen. I know God has been doing a work of sorts in our family. My husband, my three girls, and myself. None exempt.
Stirring, shaking, bending , molding....

We have endured some hard things this year as well as experiencing some neat blessings.
I began a new business venture in January. It has been a roller coaster ride and I am still not certain where it will end up. I feel like I am in a holding pattern with it from a business perspective but I am still loving the product and the positive changes it has made in me and my family's health and beauty. A new beginning...

I have toyed with a photography business for several years now but never pushed it. Katie decided she wanted to do it with me and she began to take charge. It has been fun working together as a family. Katie is quite talented with the camera and Natalie is gifted in the editing. Another new beginning of sorts...

Natalie and Katie both have finished their Associates Degrees and Natalie has a working degree in Computer Graphic Design. I have known that both girls have special callings on their lives but we have not had crystal clear directions presented before us. It has been bittersweet to see them grow up into beautiful women of God, women of purpose. Ending our little era of homeschooling. I still have Sarah home for a few more years and I am enjoying it as much as possible while praying for Godly direction in her life. Katie has been on two mission trips this year. I was able to go with her the first time to the gulf coast of Mississippi to work with hurricane victims. It was amazing. Humbling, blessing, and so rewarding. She just came back from her second trip yesterday. She went back and worked in God's Katrina Kitchen, an incredible ministry set up by a guy from Evansville, IN. His name is Greg Porter and oh how God has blessed his efforts. I see her continuing in some sort of ongoing disaster relief effort.

One of the hard things we experienced this past week was the loss of our sweet little dog, Gracie Lou. It is still hard for me to think on very long at a time because I miss her so much. We still have two other dogs and I love them but Gracie was "mine". We lost her in a tragic accident and that makes it even harder. I vowed to never be attached to a pet again but somehow Gracie stole her way into my heart more than I realized that she had. I am glad we at least took the two little ones with us on our trip to Colorado. you can see a lovely photo of her on http://www.myspace.com/live_simply3
endings.....